Your scale is a drunken mess

Power, liquor, it doesn't really matter what your bathroom scale is drunk on, but you ought to know that it is jumbled indecisive disaster. All of us have that friend who just can't seem to make up their mind when they've had a few. They might want to go to this bar or that club or get that slice of lasagna pizza or those cheese fries, but the point is that they really don't know what they want and even if they do they can't decide how they're supposed to articulate it.

The scale in my bathroom isn't all that different. Now, I know many think this is somewhat indicative of mild obsessive-compulsive disorder, but with my scale working again and my weight-loss plan in full swing I've taken to weighing myself just about every time I enter my bathroom. For most people these probably sounds like a problem. Some weight-loss gurus believe you should only weigh yourself once a week to avoid driving yourself crazy and most say to only do it once a day and at the exact same time, but I have problems with both options. As far as weighing myself once a week, one of my big problems has been being able to keep myself in check by keeping regular track of my body. Once a week, in my mind, leaves too much time to inflict damage with a bucket of fried chicken if I don't know the next day that I'm three pounds heavier. Once a day, however, can be too random because weight fluctuates over the course of a day.

So where does that leave me?

I have decided the only rational conclusion is to weigh myself at every possible opportunity, not because I'm petrified of not knowing if I lost 1.5 pounds of water weight during my jog, but because if I see the scale often enough and see how much the numbers can vary over the course of a day on a regular basis, I will learn that my weight is difficult to pinpoint and is likely just going to fall in a slight range at any given time. And if I do that, I take those three digits on the readout far less seriously.

This leaves one problem, though. What if your scale gives you different numbers within a span of five seconds? What should you make of that?

To this point, I have essentially reached the conclusion that my weight, well, just can't make up its mind sometimes. Most mornings involve getting on the scale multiple times in a row, getting three or four different weights and then just trying to see which number you get most frequently or, if we're being totally honest, which number is the lowest.

Look no further than this morning when I was both eager and yet frightened of just what my scale would say. On Tuesday evening a friend of mine and I decided to cook what has to be the most decadent home-cooked meal I've eaten in my living room -- though the fettucini alfredo topped with duck-bacon wrapped chicken from 2008 comes close. What was concocted was bowls of broccoli and cheddar soup with a potato base, spinach, sweet potato and mushroom salad, honey-glazed brussel sprouts and the main even, pork chops that had been marinated for two days in cinnamon, vanilla extract, maple syrup and pumpkin ale.

If it sounds intense it's because it was, though I'm still angry at myself for overcooking the pork chops slightly. The rest of the meal didn't miss the mark though, even if cleaning has been a lengthy ordeal. Because of the heavy nature of dinner -- and the fact that we didn't even eat until 9:30 or so -- I was a little worried at where my weight my land. After reaching a new low of 211 on Wednesday I had bounced up to 212 for most of the week and was even into the 213-214 range for a while. And so, after my run this morning, I hopped on the scale and prepared myself for the damage. I received five different numbers without rhyme or reason.

213.6, 214, 212, 212.4 and finally 211.6.

Obviously I'm going with the last one, but why can't the scale be a rational being and simply make up its mind? And why does it have to do so over such a dizzying spectrum, because I may not know everything about my body, but I do know that its weight didn't fluctuate over a range of nearly 2.5 pounds inside a span of 45 seconds. If it did, I should probably see my doctor. If I had one. That's another story.

So the point is, I don't get too crazy over what my scale says at any given time because the scale has no idea what it is saying at any given time. It's a bit surprising given the advancements we've made in technology that we can't get a machine to correctly read weights consistently -- or maybe (almost certainly) I just bought a cheap scale -- but the gist of it is that my scale is about as reliable as a 19-year-old sorority girl after five margaritas.

If it continues to behave like its drunk throughout this process, I just hope it behaves like a relatively controlled drunk. Or that it accidentally gives me surprisingly low numbers.

CROWD-SOURCED WEIGHT LOSS PLAN Day 20!

Days until wedding: 192
Target weight: 175
Starting weight: 219
Weight today: 211.6