Passover: Friend of Foe?

For those of you that know me, which I have to assume is absolutely anyone that reads this blog, you already know that I'm Jewish. After all, it's not like I keep it a secret. But the impact of Judaism on my diet is usually not terribly dramatic, though if anything, it does have a tendency to induce more eating because what Jewish family gathering is complete without loud political debates, frequent hand-gesturing and a ton of food?

None. That's how many.

So yeah, my family enjoys a good meal, which in the past hasn't exactly served me terribly well as I look to keep the waistline under control. Not that I mean to blame my parents for my own lack of self control, but the idea for us that if you're going to eat, you might as well eat well, isn't unusual. It is rare, however, that Judaism finds a way to actually restrict my diet. After all, I don't keep kosher, which means cheeseburgers, bacon and shrimp fairly regular choices. But there are two times every year when being Jewish actually has to hold my food choices in check, with one being Yom Kippur -- a straight "Don't eat or drink for 24 hours" bonanza -- and the far more fickle yeast-free Passover.

And lo and behold, here we are.

Passover is typically observed by, among other things, not eating bread for seven days. (Yes, I know some more conservative adherents don't eat bread for eight days, but if you look up why that tradition was established, you can see that it's totally ludicrous and completely unnecessary in modern times. Some Haggadot have been updated to reflect this.) But bread isn't the only thing to avoid. I can't drink beer, cookies, pasta, most cereals or any number of other foods made with yeast or leaven. Instead I get to eat matzah, which every gentile seems to think is awesome, and every Jew knows is an oversized flavorless saltine, which begs the question of how any person, Jewish or gentile, could possibly think matzah is awesome. But there is matzo ball soup, which is pretty fantastic.

Now, on the surface, an inability to eat wasteful carbohydrates should seem like a blessing in disguise if I'm trying to cut weight. After all, in this Atkins Diet world (note: I think the Atkins Diet, or any other fad diet, is total bullshit), everyone knows that carbs are basically the worst things known to man and not at all necessary to live properly and keep your brain in proper chemical balance. Nope, they just make you all big and fat. You don't need them to live.

Regardless of whether or not you need them to live, carbs can end up creating fat cells and making you a bit pudgier if you don't use up the energy they give you, so when I mentioned to a friend last weekend that I was essentially going to go carb free for seven days, she remarked, "Oh man, you're really going to drop a ton of weight this week."

That does beg the question of whether or not this forced Atkins excursion is a help or a hindrance. After all, I will have a lower likelihood of gaining any fat with no carbs to burn, but I also might feel lethargic without any pure sources of fuel. In addition to that, it's worth noting that with my typical dinners of lean proteins and vegetables, I wasn't really eating all that much bread anyway, so what difference does it make? Probably, not much, though my lack of cereal consumption is grating on me, significantly.

Then there are these things to consider: A) I don't like that many light breakfast foods, so without cereal, what options do I have? Eggs, which no one can really determine the health-value of? Bacon, which everyone knows the health value of? The options are not inspiring. But perhaps the biggest headache may have come during the Seder Monday night and the requisite leftovers I ate afterward.

See, there was a lot of brisket. I love brisket. I love brisket and I love when there is leftover brisket to eat for dinner for the next three days. There is a problem here, however, in that first of all, brisket isn't exactly the healthiest thing for you, and second of all, it contains more salt than a Church near Zipaquirá. That isn't going to make me gain weight necessarily, but it will make me retain water. And retaining water just throws my whole system out of whack.

Don't worry, I'm fine, but that fickle scale gets even more fickle when your body is holding water. Did I lose weight this week? I don't know. Because if my body is holding water longer than normal I have no real way to guage what I'm doing, and that means I'm just in for a shit-ton of confusion for the duration of this holiday, which, thankfully, ends Monday night.

Then again, I guess I can't drink beer, so that helps.

It's particularly rough to have this challenge a week after I was in Los Angeles, which is not in and of itself an unhealthy place to eat, but it is far harder to find a way to eat with health in mind in the land of Tacos Por Favor or District 13, where I may or may not have gotten a wild boar sausage topped with mushrooms, cheese, chipotle ketchup mayo and barbecue sauce. That choice, however was totally worth it, and I did my best to make up for it the next when I was dragged to a vegan restaurant in Echo Park. Let's just say I had one of the more interested milk shakes I'll ever drink in my life.

But enough of that. Passover. That's the key issue here. Is it good for me? Is it bad? I'm not really sure. All I know is I can't wait for it to be over so I can work the salt out of my system and figure how much, exactly, I weigh at the moment. That probably means the number I saw on the scale this morning is completely unreliable, but, hey, what can you do. I'll be back in control of accuracy soon enough.

On a side note, I could really go for a beer right now. Or a loaf of wonder bread.


CROWD-SOURCED WEIGHT LOSS PLAN DAY 126!

Days until sister's wedding: 84
Target weight: 175
Starting weight: 219
Weight today: 186.2